I stopped posting here around May last year, which is approximately when my relapse process began. I did not immediately return to the horribly destructive behaviors which nearly killed me last time around. It actually took about 3 more months before I started to really use the way I was before. The beginning of the relapse though, was certainly the reason I stopped posting to this blog.
Let me back up a bit. I hadn’t shared this on my blog previously but I was involved in a relationship throughout my entire time as a heroin user. This person was my life partner and my strongest supporter. She provided a safety net for me when I spun out of control, repeatedly. She was there despite all the deceptions, mood swings, the thefts related to the late stages of using, everything. She was an island, a refuge in my bitter ocean of confusion, self-hatred and pain.
Except, all was not okay with her. She began after a while to be so demanding of my time and attention that I literally had to start focusing 100% on her instead of on my recovery as I should have been doing at the time. I didn’t realize it while it was happening, but I began to spiral down. I stopped going to meetings, I stopped talking to the close friends I had in the fellowship that I had known from before things went to shit in our lives. I even stopped talking to my own parents, my siblings. My support system dropped away. I stopped posting my thoughts here on this blog (which should be private but wouldn’t have been with her there). I was completely isolated. From there, it was a relatively short step to an occasional use of a substance, then it became THE substance, that bad one. I quickly lost control as addicts do. Each time I lied, cheated and stole for my habit, it drove a wedge between us of mistrust. I never really stopped to think about her motivations for doing what she did … staying when she clearly should’ve left. I always assumed it was out of pure devotion and love toward me, and I certainly felt the same way about her. But the thing is, if someone is “normal” i.e., a non drug user, then it’s in fact pretty sick for them to latch onto an addict like that. It was all just one massive cycle of sick, fucked up behaviors.
Let me back up again. I started therapy in addition to my usual 12-step approach to recovery after I nearly died again this past April. That was a new thing for me. I had never talked to anyone, not even my drug counselors, about my relationship with her. I guess there was some sort of protective instinct there; maybe on a subconscious level I knew something wasn’t right? I don’t know. What I do know is that as soon as I started talking about it, first with my therapist and then with family members and friends, it became really clear to me just how dysfunctional we were. I also became aware (finally) that I was not the only fucked up one in the relationship. She had developed a vicious co-dependence with me, and it had to be broken off. I had to stop it because she never ever would do that on her own. My hand had been forced.
I decided to do it after she used a really nasty tactic with me to try to control my behavior. After it became clear I was going to go out without her one night after yet another argument, she called an ambulance and took herself to the psychiatric unit claiming “I can’t be alone”. I returned home to an empty house. I was beside myself. I immediately called the hospital after finding some info she’d left in an open browser window on her laptop.*** However, at this point I was able to consult my therapist and my family members on what to do about it and I was advised by multiple people to do the same thing: Back off. In other words, do NOT allow this to bring the situation back under her control, it isn’t healthy for either person involved. Finally I was able to see it (because of how dramatically it had escalated when I walked away). It hadn’t been the first time she’d threatened to kill herself and didn’t actually follow through. With me, if I hadn’t received the interventions that I had, the heroin would have killed me. I just know that from how much I was consuming; I couldn’t have survived it for very long.
That decision to end the relationship was about 10 days ago. I’m still trying as best I can to work a program but it has been made a thousand times more difficult than it ever has been before by this complicating factor. Each time I put my recovery first (where it should be), she attempts to sabotage it somehow. She’s exhibiting classic co-dependent behavior. I only wish that I could have seen it sooner, that I could have stopped it sooner. I could have spared us both some heartache, maybe.
Now, please don’t get me wrong here. I *love* this person. Present tense. I deeply wish her the best and most happy life she could have. I just don’t see it with me… There would always be that mistrust, the tension, control issues, guilt, anger … the list continues. I have to be the strong one despite my own weakened state. Despite her repeated attempts to sabotage what I am doing. First using guilt, then trying to use sex to manipulate, then anger, and now, finally, silence. I have had to remain stoic through all of it and somehow manage to hang on to what precious little sobriety I do have.
The last thing I’ll say is that I could NOT have done it, staying clean through this stuff, without my sponsor and my close friends and family members’ support. That’s one thing I know beyond a doubt now. When you take a support system away from somebody, it can destroy that person. The really sad thing for her is, because of her life choice to come to a foreign country for education, as well as her relationship with her parents being extremely dysfunctional, she has nowhere near the level of support and compassion in her life that I have. All she’s had for three years was just me, nobody else. Can you imagine? It kills me inside.
Edit: *** I later figured out that the open web browser, the tortured notes, the begging for sex … those were all VERY CALCULATED and INTENTIONAL efforts to control me and my behavior. It’s just more of the same cycle of behaviors as before, only now it’s much more dramatic and obvious because I have stood my ground and she’s become desperate. All of this stuff makes me so incredibly sad still. I find myself suddenly becoming overwhelmed with emotions when my thoughts go there, despite my not wanting them to. It’s a journey I’m still taking and it hasn’t been that long, though time seems to stretch out from that decision point until now…
Rational Serenity 
My precious cousin, time can go so quickly and can also stand still, so much can happen and yet so little too. You write about your heartache and relapse with such honesty, my heart wishes there was a magic wand to alter certain decisions we make. Whilst I cannot know what you have gone through I do feel something. I do feel that in life we are dealt a hand for a reason. What that reason is sometimes we find out and sometimes we don’t. Your addiction was not an unknown to me, just the intensity and the details were not known. Even though we are family that have not seen each other for many years there is an unexplainable bond. Your road is an interesting one, you are a unique individual, what I remember of you is a gentle heart, quiet at times but with a definite twinkle in your eye and a devotion to all that love you. You hold a special place in my family’s heart. You write so incredibly and you express yourself so eloquently, you must continue to do it. (I teach English so I know what I’m talking about) Your writing ability is unique. Rediscover aspects of yourself, lean on family, they are the most amazing things we have in life. I love you lots my dear cousin. I look forward to more of your writing. X
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Thank you for the kind words of encouragement 🙂
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